Leavetaking
by Eh Bien
Summary: "It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved." Edward's prediction begins to come true as Bella must say goodbye to her mother forever. 10 years post-BD. Canon.
1. PS

She'd added it as a _postscript_! That was so typically Renee.

The letter had arrived that morning, but I hadn't opened it immediately. I'd just come back from hunting with Edward, and was in need of a shower. I still didn't hunt as neatly as Edward did, and probably never would. After that, I fell into conversations, and reading, and doing some planning for the upcoming wedding. In the end I left the letter lying there among the advertising circulars for the rest of the day. I finally opened and read it at about six that evening.

I didn't do a lot of communicating by actual mail; even Charlie, once a serious technophobe, kept in touch through email. My mother was the one exception. We corresponded on paper by means of the international postal system. It was all part of a fairly elaborate ruse which allowed me to stay in contact with her. As far as my mom knew, Edward and I had worked for years in Djibouti, as part of an international aid organization. We were careful to establish that we lived in a stable, friendly environment, so she wouldn't be anxious, while also making it clear that the area still wasn't tourist-friendly, in case she got the impulse to visit. The whole thing appealed to Renee's sense of adventure. According to the cover story, the locations we supposedly worked in were sufficiently remote that internet access was difficult, so we communicated by letter. In reality, Renee's letters went to a post office box, where they were picked up by a friend, who then forwarded them to us, received my replies and redirected those back to Renee, attractively plastered with Djibouti postage stamps.

The plan felt very clandestine and undercover, but most of all it felt deceitful. I hated lying to my mother, especially such a protracted lie, but there was no real alternative. If she knew I was living a mere four hour flight away, she'd insist on seeing me, and giving her a fake address wouldn't have worked for long. If I didn't visit her in Phoenix, she'd have eventually shown up looking for me. I'd seen Renee exactly twice since my wedding: once at Charlie's wedding to Sue Clearwater, and a second time, also in Forks, for an alleged Christmas trip home from Africa. I insisted on combining visits at Charlie's rather than making a separate trip to Arizona, and the request seemed reasonable to her, considering that I'd supposedly travelled around the world for the purpose. The busy and crowded atmosphere at Forks, dividing Renee's visiting time with Charlie, Sue, Seth and some of the people from LaPush, combined with the vague weirdness caused by the werewolves' presence and the unfamiliar location, distracted Renee from noticing anything odd about her daughter and son in law. That, of course, was the whole point.

Apart from those two occasions, I hadn't seen my mother in years. I was aware that eventually I'd have to give up seeing her altogether, before she realized I looked like a girl of eighteen much longer than was actually possible. Makeup and good genes could only account for so much.

It was a fairly long letter, even for Renee. She described a recent weekend trip to California, of which she'd enclosed snapshots. She filled me in on Phil's work as a minor league baseball coach, which was a surprisingly successful second career for him. He was much more talented as a coach than he'd been as a player. She passed along some funny stories about the grade school class she was currently teaching, and some even funnier ones about her fellow teachers. She commented on some current political issues and then, without any real segue, on a movie she and Phil had recently gone to see. She asked how our work was going, if we ever missed home, and whether we heard from Charlie often. She passed along Phil's greetings, and urged me to write soon.

The letter was written in Renee's usual cheerful tone and slightly scattered manner. I smiled to myself as I read it, easily picturing her face. She signed the letter _Love, Mom_ as usual.

Underneath the signature was a hastily scrawled addition, in a different ink.

_"P.S. - I never got around to mentioning it before, but Phil thinks I should. I went to the doctor a while back because of this lump that won't go away. Phil nagged me into getting it checked, along with some other health issues I was having. The doctors are being alarmist about it, but I'm hoping to get a second opinion. Wish me luck!"_

I reread the postscript, frowning. When I looked up from the letter, Edward was watching me. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm not sure." I showed him the postscript. "Could this be something serious?"

"It's hard to say, based on what she writes. Is she inclined to downplay health concerns?"

"She's mostly inclined to ignore them completely." I picked up the letter and stared at the writing as though the information I wanted was hidden between the lines. "She's always had good health, so she doesn't think about it. She doesn't go to a doctor unless something's seriously wrong, which is almost never. Probably she hasn't had a checkup in ten years."

I looked up to find him watching my face. "Bella, love, don't start to worry before you know there's cause."

"Okay, I know. I'll write back to her right away, but I'm going to Fedex the letter to Africa." I frowned. "It'll still take at least a week to reach Renee. I wish I could just email her." Rosalie had once offered to find a way to make my messages appear to come from an internet cafe in Djibouti, but I'd declined. At the time, it had seemed more sensible to limit contact with Renee as much as possible.

I sat down to compose a return letter, hurrying through the personal news and usual business, before arriving at the key question.

"_I'm a little worried about your P.S. What's this lump you mentioned? What's the other health stuff? What do you mean by alarmist? You have to give me more details! Write back soon, please._" At least my mother's health issues were something I could talk to her about in a straightforward way. While I'd stayed in touch with Renee since my marriage, I couldn't say we still had a relationship in any meaningful way. She knew nothing of the life I really led, where I lived, what I did with my days. She didn't even know I was now a mother myself. It was necessary, of course, and for her sake more than mine, but it was still a loss. I added a few more lines before concluding the letter, sealed it in a plain white envelope and wrote Renee's address on the front. I set it aside to drop off at the Fedex office in the morning. It would be a couple of weeks before I could expect an answer, so I tried to put it out of my mind for the time being.

Two weeks later, we were in Forks once again, for a happy occasion we'd all been looking forward to: Seth Clearwater's wedding. Hannah, the girl he'd imprinted on five years earlier, had finished college and found work as a nurse in a local hospital, and finally felt ready to accept Seth's proposal. As Seth had explained to Edward in an email, part of her reluctance came from her shock at discovering that certain Quileute legends had more basis in reality than she'd previously assumed. Seth had given up phasing to wolf form in order to age along with his future wife, but she still had in-laws and friends who turned into giant wolves periodically. Hannah was an adaptable gal, but this still took her some time to process and accept.

We were all overjoyed for them. Seth had wanted to invite the entire Cullen family, but on further consideration (and advice from Sue), he'd limited the invitation to Jacob, Nessie, Edward and myself. It was much too soon for most of the Cullens to be seen in Forks. They would have had to stay hidden in a hotel room to prevent locals from seeing them, having gone twenty years without aging. The four of us had to lie low during our visit as it was. Seth phoned Carlisle to explain his reasoning, and that it wasn't meant as a slight, which we all understood. However, the Cullens sent their warmest congratulations, along with a wedding present suggested by Alice: twenty shares of stock in a little known electronics company. It was a modest gift at face value, but as Alice had foreseen, it would eventually grow in value to the point where it would put their children through university and provide a very comfortable retirement fund.

We arrived in Forks a few days early so we could spend some time with Charlie and Sue, and so Jacob could visit with his father and reconnect with friends at LaPush. Charlie had sold our former house and moved in with Sue; and once Seth had gone to Seattle to work, they'd sold Sue's house and found another, smaller but newer house on the outskirts of Forks. Since marrying Sue, Charlie was happier than I could remember seeing him. She was perfect for him: affectionate but undemonstrative. Sue lacked my mother's vibrant charm, but she was also without Renee's flightiness and short attention span. Charlie was able to relax with Sue, secure in the knowledge that she wasn't going to get bored and leave, and that he didn't have to work to keep her entertained.

Nessie divided her time between visiting with her grandfather and Grandma Sue, and hanging out at LaPush, where she seemed to get along with everyone. She even hit it off with Billy, who retained his suspicious attitude to vampires, but seemed to consider Nessie exempt. She had no in-law problems in her future.

The wedding was simple but perfect. The brief civil ceremony was held in the Quileute reserve's community centre, the celebration afterward outdoors. Tables had been set up under canvas covers in case of rain, which in the Forks area was always more than likely. In fact, it only sprinkled for a half hour that day, and the sun appeared briefly. Edward and I took a short walk in the woods at that point. Almost all the wedding guests were aware of our eccentricities, but there was no point rubbing their noses in it - and besides, Charlie still had no idea his daughter now glittered like a disco ball in direct sunlight.

I loved the informality of Seth and Hannah's wedding. Decorations consisted of bunches of balloons tied to trees. Guests took turns at the barbecue grills, bowls and platters of food were brought along to share. The wedding cake was a gaudy slab cake donated by the bride's aunt and uncle, with script in green icing reading 'Congrats Hannah & Seth'. Music came from a portable CD player which was managed by anybody who happened to be nearby, and occasionally, as the evening wore on, from groups of guests with a guitar and a willingness to sing in public. Children ran around the tables with semi-permanent stains over their mouths from barbecue sauce, cake frosting, and orange drink, eventually falling asleep in someone's arms and put to bed on coats or blankets, on a spare bench or in the back of a pickup truck. It was the most relaxing wedding I'd ever attended, my own definitely included.

The most touching part of it, for me, was noticing that Seth and Hannah looked the same age. Hannah had been eighteen when she and Seth met and she'd become his gravity, as Jake once described it, the force that held him to the earth. Seth had begun to age soon afterward, by his own choice, and from now on they would grow older together. He'd given up immortality to be with the woman he loved. I empathized completely, but there was something poignant about his choice. I would live to see Seth grow old, and eventually die. I mentally extended to them the best possible wish I could imagine in their circumstances: that they would live together a long time, and die within an hour of each other.

The party went on late into the night, long after Hannah and Seth had said their goodbyes and left in a car decorated with crepe paper and hand-lettered signs, all of us waving and calling after them as they drove away. Edward and I finally headed back to our hotel at about 1:30, leaving Jacob and Nessie still laughing with some of the remaining guests. We walked back to the room hand in hand, reminiscing about our own wedding. A replay of some of our honeymoon highlights was postponed when I noticed a message on my phone, and picked it up curiously. "It's from Alice," I told Edward. "She probably wants to hear about the wedding. Especially what everybody wore."

"Can't that wait until morning?" he asked.

I would normally have agreed, but I saw she'd left four messages while we were at the wedding. "Four times? I wonder if something's wrong."

Edward checked his own phone. "Carlisle's left me a message as well." He listened briefly. "He's just asking us to phone when we get in." He hit the second number on his speed-dial list, and I heard Carlisle answer after one ring. "Carlisle? We just got back. What's going on?"

"Edward." I could hear Carlisle's voice easily. "Is Bella nearby?"

"Yes, she's right here."

"Perhaps you should put her on."

Frowning, Edward handed me his phone. "Carlisle? Is something wrong?"

"Hello, Bella. I didn't mean to worry you. It's just that we received some mail for you today, and thought it might be important. To be more specific, Alice saw some future significance to it. She suggested we contact you right away."

"Oh! Mail from where?" I tilted the phone away from my ear slightly, although I was sure Edward could hear perfectly.

"Arizona. One is from your mother; the other is from the same return address, but with different handwriting on the envelope."

I could hear Alice in the background. "She'll want to know what's in the letters!"

"Okay," I said, smiling. "Let's say I want to know. Could you open my mom's letter and tell me what it says?"

"Certainly." There was a quick tearing sound, and a second's pause. "I'll omit the substance of the letter, which is mostly personal. I assume you are waiting for information about her health." I remembered to relax my grip on the phone. "Your mother writes that she has been receiving tests for the past two weeks. The results were quite bad, but she feels there must be some mistake because she feels reasonably well. She is looking into obtaining a second opinion. In the meantime, she is submitting to further tests at the insistence of her husband. She will write when she has further news. That is, of course, my own paraphrase."

"Of course," I said faintly. "What about the other one? Phil's letter?"

I heard more rustling. "His letter is shorter and deals with the issue at hand. With your permission, I'll read it to you."

"Please."

"He writes, '_Dear Bella, Maybe I shouldn't be butting in like this, but your mom is really in bad shape and she's giving you a watered down version of what's going on. I thought you would want to know the truth and ought to know it. She found a breast lump almost two years ago but for some reason was convinced it couldn't be anything serious. She started getting more and more tired over the last year and getting out of breath a lot, and then getting what she called aching bones. I finally got her to see the doctor. She got tested and they said it was cancer. These other tests showed it had spread into her bones, her lungs, everywhere. She still won't believe it's true, she thinks it must be a mistake, but every test has shown the same thing, and the docs all seem pretty sure about it. She might have up to a year left, but the cancer doctor said it depends on what treatments they do and what other tests show. She refused treatment for a long time, and I'm afraid that's going to make things worse for her. It's very bad no matter how things go from here. I'm so sorry to have to tell you all this, but it didn't seem right to keep you in the dark any longer._'  
>"He signs it '<em>Love, Phil<em>.' That's all he writes." Carlisle concluded.

I vaguely felt Edward's arm around my shoulders. I fixed my eyes on his face as I spoke into the phone. "Carlisle? This is extremely bad, I assume."

I heard him sigh. "If your stepfather's description is accurate, then yes, it could hardly be worse. It sounds as if the cancer has metastasized extensively. Treatment possibilities would be very limited, and none of them could offer much hope in the long term."

I froze, my hand clutching the phone to my ear, my eyes still on Edward's face. I was aware of seconds passing, but instinctively immobilized myself in response to the stress of the news. At length I heard Carlisle say my name, and Edward squeeze my shoulder, gently rousing me. I tried to think clearly. "I have to do something."

"Bella," Carlisle said gently, "there is probably nothing you can do at this point."

"I have to see her."

"That's impossible, love," Edward told me.

"It can't be impossible. There must be some way..."

Edward pulled me closer. "Bella, she lives in Phoenix. How long could you avoid the sun? And that's apart from the problem of letting her see you after this length of time. You haven't aged. You know how observant your mother is. You'll spend whatever time you have with her trying to explain things to her. You want to help her, not give her more reason to worry."

I was shaking my head, although I knew he was right. "But how can I just let her..." I couldn't finish the sentence. How can I leave her to die? But I'd left her behind the first time I asked Edward to change me. I'd just managed to do it slowly.

Carlisle's voice came through the line again. "Bella? Just come home, please. Whatever you decide, you can't simply show up at your mother's home tomorrow. Discuss it with the family, and let us help you decide the best approach."

"That's only reasonable, Bella," Edward whispered to me.

"Yes," I said. "I know it is." I wanted to simply run to Renee, be there for her, but of course it was no longer that simple. "All right, Carlisle. I'll come back."

"Good." He sounded relieved. "We'll await your return."

Edward took the phone, and they spoke briefly. I heard the phone click shut, and Edward's arms around me. "I'm so sorry, love. We'll be home tomorrow, and we can work something out."

I returned his embrace, and we stood together for several minutes. "Should I tell Charlie? I'm supposed to go say goodbye to him before we leave for the airport."

"That's up to you. But I suppose he'll know something is wrong the minute he sees your face."

"I suppose so." I sighed. I still wasn't as good an actress as the rest of the family, after all these years. "I'll tell him she's sick, but not how bad it is. Not yet, anyway."

Somehow I got through the conversation with Charlie, telling him as little as I thought I could get away with, before making my goodbyes and heading for the airport with Renesmee and Jacob. I filled them in on the way, but they both picked up on the fact that I wasn't ready to discuss it. I spoke very little on the way home, just held onto Edward's hand.

When we arrived at home, our new home in the big, L-shaped house near Edmonton, the family was standing by to meet us. Not that they rushed for the door when we walked in, but they were all in the living room and clearly there to offer whatever kind of support was needed. I'd assumed I would want to go off alone and brood, but just seeing them there made me feel better. Esme hugged me, Alice ran over to put an arm around my waist, and Emmett patted me on the head like a dog, and my troubles started to feel more manageable.

I settled on the sofa with Edward on my right and Alice on my left, Nessie curled up in a chair with Jacob lounging on the floor at her feet, the others scattered nearby as we went over the details of the wedding and the situation in Forks, and were brought up to date on household news. I found Renee's letter on a side table and read the remainder of it. I knew we would get around to talking about Renee eventually, but I was in no hurry.

Following a slight pause in the conversation, Esme said to me, "I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, Bella."

"Thanks."

"I know you want to be with her."

I just nodded.

Alice squeezed my arm affectionately. "You _know_ you can't just run down there, right?"

"Sure." I spoke as lightly as possible.

Carlisle stood up and walked into the next room, standing at one end of the dining table as the others joined him, marking the rest of the discussion as an official family meeting. Edward stood and walked with me to our places beside the table.

Carlisle addressed us all. "You understand what it is we have to discuss. This is a new situation for us, and may call for creativity."

Rosalie spoke up. "I understand why Bella wants to be with her mom right now, but it's simply too dangerous. There were reasons she decided not to see Renee in person, and none of those reasons have changed. It seems harsh, but I think she has to keep things as they are. Maybe tell her mother she's having trouble getting out of Africa, and stick to that story until...for as long as necessary. I'm sorry, Bella." I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. Rosalie and I had, eventually, become close in spite of our vast differences. Besides, I knew she had the family's safety foremost in her mind, as always.

"I agree, contact would be risky." Jasper looked solemn. "Apart from the usual difficulties involved in meeting with Bella's mother, there's the issue of travelling to Arizona. The climate would be a continual problem. Staying out of the sun during a prolonged visit would be challenging, to say the least."

"Are the conflicts in the South a concern?" Esme asked him.

"Not in Arizona. The whole mess has moved east. It's only an issue between Mississippi and the area around Austin, and down the eastern coast of Mexico. But going to Phoenix would be complicated enough regardless."

"Risky for us," Alice agreed, "and potentially for Bella's mom as well."

I could see Jacob, sitting at a distance from the table but listening to the discussion, cross his arms over his chest and scowl. He kept quiet, though, allowing for our longstanding custom of letting him in on meetings but excluding him from participating.

I nodded, trying to swallow the distress I felt at the idea of letting Mom die without seeing her again. My first loyalty had to be to my family. My new family. "Okay," I said, as calmly as I could manage. "I understand. I'll stay in touch by mail as long as I can, and put her off if she asks me to come. If necessary, I can just stop writing and disappear."

Esme reached across the table to take my hand. Carlisle smiled slightly in my direction and spoke again. "That is not necessarily the end of the discussion. As I said, this situation calls for creativity. Any further suggestions."

"Suggestions?" Rosalie looked quizzical. "You mean, ways for Bella to be with her mother?"

"Exactly. Her mother is dying. We've found ways for Bella to stay in contact with her parents. I hope there is also a way to allow Bella to be present at her mother's demise, as she should be."

"Carlisle," I said hesitantly, "if it puts the family at risk..."

"We are looking for ways to avoid the risk. If we all decide it is simply too dangerous, we will advise against your seeing your mother, and ask you to abide by that decision." He looked at me, and I nodded. "But if there is a way around it, we would all like to allow you this opportunity."

I swallowed hard. "Thank you." Jasper gave me a faint grin, apparently in response to whatever emotions he was picking up from me; but I wasn't sure exactly what those were at the moment. Edward put an arm around my shoulders.

Carlisle turned back to the table. "I am open to ideas, however vague, at this point."

They all seemed to concentrate on the tabletop a moment. Emmett said hesitantly, "Well...you said _any_ ideas. How about Jacob and Nessie?"

"What about them?" Edward asked.

"There's no problem with _them_ being in Arizona. What if they went in Bella's place? Not exactly the same thing, but at least somebody could be with Renee on Bella's behalf, kind of. And she knows Jacob a little. He could come up with some explanation for why he came to see her; maybe because Bella wrote and asked him to. And if Renee needs anything, Jacob and Ness could help with it, or contact us for help."

"It's a possible compromise," Carlisle allowed, "provided Renesmee and Jacob agree."

"Of course," Nessie said, and Jacob nodded his approval.

"By the same token," Alice said, "Charlie could go to her. Maybe not the whole time, but toward the...after things start to get difficult. Assuming his presence wouldn't be awkward."

"I don't think it would be," I said. "He and Mom are friends now. Phil wouldn't mind, I'm sure." I wanted to be there myself, but felt a little better at the thought of Mom having other people to support her, and to give Phil some backup.

"What about the possibility of Bella seeing her mother personally?" Carlisle asked. "Any thoughts?"

There was another intense pause. "The only way I can see it happening," Jasper said at last, "would be for a shorter period of time, and not immediately; close to the end." He glanced at me, and I smiled slightly. I always appreciated Jasper's directness, although it sometimes startled me a little. "It might be workable for a brief time under those conditions. Renee would likely be confined to her home or the hospital by that point, so Bella could see her exclusively indoors. If the end was close and her family was staying with her around the clock, Bella could offer to take the night shift. It would still require some careful management, but if Bella waited until the situation was fairly dire, it might be workable."

Alice nodded slowly. "Renee would be less likely to pick up on anything odd about Bella, under those abnormal conditions," she added.

"It would make sense, in a way, for Bella to remain absent until...later," Esme said. "She's supposedly halfway around the world, and with obligations to the agency she works for. She might very well not come back until she was certain it was necessary."

"It would also make sense for Bella to be relatively unconcerned, given the way Renee's minimized her condition. I gather she doesn't know Phil has written with more information?" Carlisle asked me.

I shook my head. "Unless he's told her since. You're right, as far as Mom knows, I believe it's a minor health issue."

"Then you're satisfied to wait?" Esme asked.

"Yes. Well, not satisfied exactly," I smiled at her, "but I agree it's best. I'll write more frequently in the meantime, and try to keep up with her condition as it...develops."

Carlisle nodded. "And I'll see what I can find out about her diagnosis and treatment."

"Can you do that?"

He shrugged. "Not lawfully. But Jasper has methods of accessing health records." He cocked an eye at Jasper. "It allows him to establish a false medical history to go with our cover stories. The Internet is a useful tool. I'll keep track of your mother's condition - that is, provided you have no objections."

"None at all. I would appreciate it."

"It seems we have an arrangement, then." I nodded. "If the situation alters, if you change your intentions, all I would ask is that you speak to the family first."

"Of course." I looked around the table. "Thank you so much. I know this causes a lot of trouble for..."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Don't start!"

"Okay, I know. It's just that..."

"Don't make me come over there!"

I laughed, and Jasper snickered. "Bella, I think guilt is your default setting. Can you really imagine this family doing any differently, for any of us?"

"No, of course not."

"Then just accept."

"Okay."

Emmett laughed at me, and the meeting broke up.

I walked over to Jacob. "Thanks for agreeing to go see Mom."

He shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"Yes, it is. You may never need to go, depending on how things play out, but it's good to know it's an option."

Nessie joined us. "I want to go too. I'd like to see Grandma once more."

"You barely got to know her." They'd met only once, at Charlie's wedding. Renee knew her as Esme and Carlisle's adopted daughter. I frowned. "It kind of makes sense for Jacob to visit, but how would you explain showing up? What would you go as, part of her son-lin-law's family?"

Jacob looked surprised. "She'd go with me, as my fiancee."

"Oh! Well, of course." I should have realized but the idea was still new to me. My eyes darted briefly to Nessie's engagement ring, a square cut diamond in a beautiful filigree setting. Jacob, as he'd told me after the fact, had agonized for weeks over its selection; in his mind, nothing was special enough for Nessie. He'd even resorted to accepting Rosalie's help in selecting it. Nessie had been delighted with his choice, of course, and even more delighted at his proposal.

"Or as my girlfriend, if that works better for you," he suggested, noticing my hesitation.

"No, of course not. She_ is_ your fiancee."

"Takes some getting used to, doesn't it?" He grinned.

"Some. But I'm getting there." I was happy for them, really and truly. It was just hard to get past the feeling that she was still my little girl. Especially since she was technically only ten years old - but that was in human years. In reality, Renesmee was a grown woman, mature in every way and deeply in love. Jacob had been more than patient, but it was time. They belonged together. I was pretty sure they'd agreed to a full year's engagement mostly to let Edward and me adapt.


	2. Preparations

I continued with my daily life as usual, finishing off my freshman year at the University of Alberta with my typical perfect grades, engaging in all the usual family activities, but thoughts of Renee were never far from my conscious mind. It was easier with a vampire brain, which could hold so many things at once, to worry about her and make plans to see her in the future, without letting thoughts take precedence.

I wrote letters to her much more frequently than in the past, and continued to get updates from her on a regular basis. At first, these continued to be confident and optimistic. Then, as the weeks passed, the details became more worrying, and the tone more bleak. She wrote a couple of letters that seemed angry and resentful, then her discussion of her health became more resigned. She hated it all: the constant exams and tests, the side effects of her medication, the dreary atmosphere at the oncologist's office. The one thing that she spoke of with any pleasure was Phil's constant patience and support. That didn't surprise me. Phil was a good guy.

It was sometimes horrible, having to hear about what was happening but unable to be there for her. I stood by, hoping I could at least see my mother again, be there to help her through the worst of it. My family was with me through it all. Carlisle monitored the progress of her disease, which was even more dire than I'd feared. The cancer was advancing rapidly, and nothing seemed to have much affect.

At last, the time came when the end was inevitable and close. "She'll probably be hospitalized before long," Carlisle explained. "The doctors are suggesting mostly palliative care from now on."

"You mean, there's nothing further they can do, apart from keeping her as comfortable as possible?"

"Exactly." I felt an arm around my shoulders, accompanied by Esme's clover-and-almond scent, as she moved to my side and hugged me protectively. "If you would like to arrange to be with her, this might be the time to start making preparations." Edward moved to my side, taking my hand.

I nodded. The others began moving quietly toward the dining room, and I followed, embraced on both sides as I walked. Carlisle stood beside Esme. "What needs to be done?" he asked the family at large.

"Plausible travel arrangements," Jasper offered. "I don't think you actually have to go to Africa and return from there, but we should make sure there is a flight she might have been on. She should probably travel by air to Seattle - it would be expected that she'd stop to visit Charlie on the way - and fly from there to Phoenix."

"I think you should write to your mother, telling her you're on your way to Arizona. Don't give travel details, just say you're coming."

"I'll do that right away," I nodded.

"You need a good supply of coloured contacts," Alice said. "I'll get those today. Make sure you have plenty with you at all times. You might be sitting up in the hospital for days, and you don't want to run short."

"There's the question of her appearance," Rosalie said. "Bella's supposed to be pushing thirty. Can we pull that off?"

"I think so." Alice looked me over critically. "A more mature hairstyle would go a long way. Speaking of which, Edward, you're supposed to be over thirty yourself. You're going to have to bite the bullet and use product while you're visiting Renee. Your usual hair is way too youthful."

"I can manage that," he said, although I mentally sighed at the idea putting his beautifully unkempt hair under restraints, even temporarily. Jasper gave me a quick smirk, evidently picking up on my reaction, and I made a face back at him.

"It's Bella her mother will be focusing on, I imagine," Esme said.

"True." Alice looked thoughtful. "We should get you a wardrobe of slightly more mature clothing. Can you spare a few hours for shopping, maybe tomorrow?"

"If you think it's necessary."

"I definitely do. You should dress just a little bit matronly, too offset your looks. If you were human, I'd suggest cutting your hair."

"_That's_ not happening," Edward said.

"No, of course not. But putting it up..." She deftly coiled my hair into a twist on the back of the head and held it in place, studying the effect.

"That's good," Rose told her. "It adds a few years."

"Yes. Okay, after the shopping, get in some practice with hairpins. Also makeup."

"Makeup?" I wrinkled my nose slightly.

"Not that you need it, but it'll give the impression you're hiding something. Crow's feet and such. And it also looks a bit more mature, or at least different from the last time she saw you."

"I suppose so. New clothes for Edward too, then?"

"Definitely."

"What about Nessie and Jacob?" I turned to where they stood, together at the foot of the table. "Are you still planning to come along? It's not strictly necessary any more."

Nessie looked up at Jake. "I want to go. I still want to see her while I can."

Jacob nodded. "We're going. We can arrive at different times, if that makes things more believable."

"Not necessarily," Emmett told him. "Bella and Edward could have, maybe, come back from Africa, stopped off to visit Charlie, and met up with you two while they were there. Jacob and Ness might've offered to come along for moral support."

We all looked at each other. "That works," Rose said. "Nessie looks the right age now, I think, but what about Jacob?"

Alice studied him. "Late twenties, he's supposed to be. You should get a haircut, Jacob. And maybe different clothes. You look too much like a college student."

"I _am_ a college student," Jacob pointed out.

"But you should have a different cover story."

"Auto mechanic?"

"That'll do. Nessie could still be in college, though."

"You should work out your cover story between you before leaving for Arizona," Jasper advised.

"Will do." Jacob looked at Nessie. "How old does Renee think you are now? Twenty, twenty-one?"

"Twenty. And don't forget she knows me as Vanessa."

"What else?" Rosalie asked the group.

"The sun. Bella and Edward will have to make sure they can stay indoors during daylight hours," Jasper said.

"Arrive in Phoenix in the evening, just after sunset," Alice said, "and try to establish evening and night visits as the norm. Maybe, like Carlisle said, taking the night shift with Renee, and going back to your hotel before dawn to, supposedly, sleep during the day."

"If your visit extends into the day, or if you end up staying with your mother around the clock," Carlisle added, "you will have to stay on until the sun sets."

"Have some clothes on hand," Alice added, "just in case of emergencies, that you can use to cover up. Long sleeves, big hat, sunglasses. It won't hold up to scrutiny for long, but it could at least get you from the house or hospital to your car."

"For that matter," Esme said, "check in advance and see if your mother's hospital has underground parking."

"Good idea." I quickly ran through all this in my head. "It seems tricky, but possible."

"You'll have to stay alert," Jasper told me. "I know the situation will be...distracting, but you have to be aware of anything that might draw attention. I'm sure Edward can help with that." Edward gave my hand a squeeze.

"Try to stay accessible by phone," Carlisle advised. "Alice can contact you if she sees any difficulties arising."

"I will. How soon can we leave, do you think?"

"A week or two, I would estimate," Edward said. "We have to allow a reasonable time for us to have discontinued our work in Africa, packed up and arranged for a flight home. Then, the time it would take to stop in Washington to see your father, gather up Nessie and Jacob, and book a second flight to Arizona. It will also allow time for your letter to reach your mother before we show up."

"Good. I'll start getting ready."

We all looked at each other once more. Apparently that was all for now.

I began by writing a brief note to Mom, telling her I was coming to Arizona as soon as I could settle things and arrange a flight home, and sending it by courier to our contact in Africa. I didn't provide details, so she wouldn't be expecting me at a particular time, or try to have Phil pick me up at the airport. Tomorrow would be shopping with Alice for my thirty-year-old's wardrobe. Edward went to the computer to check up on Arizona weather patterns, and to scan for recent events in Djibouti, just in case we were asked.

I went up to Edward's and my room to start the preliminary packing. At least underwear didn't have to be replaced by a more mature version. I packed a first layer in a large suitcase, and added some traditional African clothing and handicrafts we'd once bought, just in case. Renee would expect at least a few souvenirs of our time there. After than, I seemed to be at loose ends for the moment. I stood looking out the window, making plans and going over possible situations.

From downstairs, I heard Alice and Rosalie agree to go shopping for the men's travelling clothes, which they seemed to find a simpler proposition than my own, that would require my actual presence. Emmett and Jasper announced they were leaving to hunt. Edward was discussing the trip with Jacob and Nessie, Esme making useful suggestions as they went.

I wandered down the hall, intending to return downstairs but for some reason stopping at the open door of Carlisle's study. I went in, my eyes going first to the wall of books behind his desk - I'd actually read a few of them by now - then turning to look at the array of paintings that set out his life story. The first time I'd come here, Edward had taken me through the first part of the display. Now I was familiar with the entire wall, including a few new paintings which had been added since my arrival.

After the large portrait of the Volturi with Carlisle came other paintings, standing for stages in his life. First was a painting of the eastern coast of the United States at the time he'd arrived, stowed away on a ship; and an old pen and ink sketch of the interior of a nineteenth century hospital. It didn't look very sanitary. After that there was a long pause, chronologically, before the first painting denoting the appearance of Edward in his life.

Most of Carlisle's family were represented by landscapes. A lithograph showing a pleasant residential street in Chicago of 1910 stood for Edward's human life, and the occasion of his meeting with Carlisle and everything that followed. Beside it was a small, rough pencil drawing of a hospital morgue, which I now knew had been sketched by Carlisle himself.

Next was a beautiful landscape of rural Wisconsin in the fall, Esme's final human home and the site of her momentous encounter with Carlisle, next to a tiny pen and ink sketch of a tree - presumably representing the one Esme had once fallen from. It was accompanied by their marriage certificate in an ornate frame, merely a preprinted official form on yellowing cardboard, which had been filled out by the minister who had married them many years earlier. This was followed by a watercolour interior, showing a dim room with a piano in one corner, the lonely piano representing the period when Edward had gone off on his own for a time, leaving an empty space in the little family.

Rosalie's appearance in the family was next. A lovely pastel drawing of a Rochester, New York neighbourhood in the winter showed her home city. Beside it was one of Carlisle's very few copies, as opposed to original paintings: a small print of John Collier's _The Child Bride_. I'd never heard an explanation of the Collier print, but I knew Carlisle still felt some remorse over his decisions regarding Rosalie. Close beside these was a watercolour of the woods of Tennessee, where Emmett had very nearly been killed by a bear while hunting.

A collection of miniatures, showing scenes from Civil War-era Texas and 1920's Mississippi and various points leading northward, were arranged around a central item, a modern painting of a mid-century diner - the site of Alice and Jasper's first meeting.

A beautiful oil painting of the Alaskan forest stood for the Cullens' friendship with the Denali family. Beside it was an old woodcut of the homeland of Tanya and her sisters, rolling hills with a castle-like structure in the background, and a second image of Volterra representing Eleazar's time there.

My entry into the history was marked by a painting of the Arizona desert I loved. Nessie was introduced through a painting by Nessie herself, showing a dark-haired girl holding a toddler tightly in her arms and looking rather fiercely at some unseen point in the distance. Beneath that was a peculiar painting by an unknown 1980's artist, a memento of our confrontation with the Volturi. It showed a fifteenth century army standing prepared for battle. Nearly hidden in one corner of the formation was the diminutive figure of Joan of Arc, defiantly holding up a shield. That one was a little embarrassing; Edward had confirmed that Joan was supposed to represent my part in the near-battle.

The final image on the wall, at least so far, was a plaque bearing a relief carving on the traditional Quileute wolf totem. Both an acknowledgement of the pack's part in keeping us safe, and of Jacob's new place in our family.

I heard the whisper of someone approaching, and looked up to find Carlisle in the doorway. "I'm sorry. Should I...?" I moved to leave the study.

He smiled. "No, not at all." He looked over my shoulder at the wall display. "Reflecting on family history?"

"I suppose so. I was just thinking how much this feels like part of my history, now. It's strange. It's very different from...you know, from my original family." Even with Renee and Charlie still alive, the human part of my life often seemed like an insignificant prologue to my real life.

"Different in many ways," he agreed. There was a brief pause while I studied the display a moment longer. "Jasper believes you're feeling guilty."

I looked back at him in surprise. Carlisle wasn't usually this direct about personal issues. He let others come to him, if they chose. "He'd know better than I would, probably," I laughed.

"Probably," Carlisle agreed drily. "I hope it's not over the family's involvement in your upcoming trip."

"No! Not at all. It's a lot of trouble but...well, I know I'd do the same for any of you. It doesn't bother me any more." There was a time when I'd been overwhelmed by the lengths the Cullens would go to make my life easier or more pleasant, but that was in the past. My family would do anything for one another, and over the years I'd grown comfortable with that. I'd even learned to appreciate the joys of showering a loved one with immoderate amounts of help and support.

"I'm glad of that." He paused. "If there is any aspect of this event which is troubling you, my dear, I would be happy to help if I can." This was even less typical of Carlisle, and I turned to him curiously. "Forgive me; Jasper thought your reaction was quite emphatic, and extended over many weeks. Esme and I were concerned."

"Oh. I guess I know what he means." I grimaced; this was an unpleasant confession to make. "It's just that, for months before I got that first letter from Mom, I'd been complaining to myself over how much trouble it all was, staying in touch, keeping secrets. I was going to have to find a new story before long, and new excuses to keep from seeing her. I kept wishing the whole problem would resolve itself somehow and then...it did."

"But why should that distress you so? You certainly did not bring this on."

"Oh, I know! It's silly, really. It's just that this solves the whole question so completely. It saves me a lot of trouble. I hate that I was wishing for just that."

"I'm sure you were not wishing for your mother to become ill, to die."

"No, of course not! But...you understand. I was kind of wishing she would just go away, in a sense."

He smiled gently. "'In a sense' makes a great deal of difference. You merely wished for a less inconvenient arrangement with her."

"I know."

"You did, of course, realize she would die one day."

That startled me. "Well...yes."

"Merely being aware of that fact, planning around it, is not a betrayal of your mother."

"No, I know." I looked at the floor, biting my lip. I wouldn't have used the word _betrayal_, but having heard it, it seemed to fit my mood. "I'm sure it seems silly. After all the trouble I made, trying to stay in touch with her, and with Charlie, you'd think I could put up with a little inconvenience."

"You're not responsible for your mother's condition, Bella. Even if you had privately wished her away, you would not be. If that were the case, how many of us would be guilty of the death of another? It is not always possible to keep our thoughts from wandering in that direction." He smiled at my surprised look. "I once endured a great deal of guilt over just such a train of thought, one that was far less benign than yours."

My eyes opened wider; I could not imagine Carlisle wishing anyone harm. "You?"

He smiled again, and glanced almost imperceptibly downward at the floor. I know what he was thinking: who was in the house that could hear him right now? Jacob and Nessie had less acute hearing than the rest of us; only Esme and Edward were present and privy to our conversation. Apparently Carlisle was fine with that. "When I found Esme, after her fall, and she came to live with Edward and me, she...I'm sure you are aware of the circumstances of her previous marriage."

"Yes, she told me about that." Esme's husband had been cruel and abusive to her; he was the reason she had fled west.

He hesitated a moment. "After Esme had been with us for a time, she and I...very much wanted to marry. However, she was still, technically, married to Charles Evanson. She could not even divorce him at that point, since she was believed dead.  
>"We could have simply accepted that the marriage was, for all practical purposes, dissolved, and have a second wedding while the first husband was still alive; or for that matter, dispensed with matrimony altogether, as most of our kind do. However, I did not want to offer Esme that kind of disrespect."<p>

I nodded in understanding. Whether or not I found this attitude too idealistic, it was typical of Carlisle.

"Charles Evanson could expect to live for many more years at that point. Moreover, I had come to know that he had been the cause of a great deal of Esme's suffering." His eyes dropped to the floor again. "The kindest woman I'd ever known had been injured and driven to despair by this man, the same man who was keeping us apart." Carlisle looked at me directly. "I hoped for his death." I kept my face impassive. "And shortly thereafter, Evanson did, in fact, die. It was an unexpected accident. My fondest wish was fulfilled, and I was overcome with guilt."

"But Carlisle," I protested, "you weren't responsible for this Evanson dying! It was an accident. You'd never have done anything to hurt him. And besides..."

"I know, my dear, I know." He smiled at me again. "One cannot help but be struck with a sense of remorse in such circumstances. I was merely making a comparison with your own situation. You defend me without hesitation, yet my thoughts toward this person were far less benevolent than yours toward your mother. I am merely urging you to attend your mother's sickbed unburdened by needless guilt." He took one of my hands in both of his, in a familiar, fatherly gesture that always warmed my heart. "You have been a loving and devoted daughter, under trying circumstances. You are now about to pay your final obligation to your mother. Please, allow yourself to do so in peace, and with a clear conscience."

His words went straight to my heart, and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. If I could produce tears, I probably would have cried. "Thank you, Carlisle. I will. Thank you."

He smiled, pressed my hand once more, and left me alone with his books and his visual history.

Alice and I went shopping the next morning, as planned. Her approach was a little different than usual: normally she worked to make me look chic and gorgeous, but this time she was working on making my cover story more believable. We went to a large department store at the mall.

"You never shop here," I observed.

"The clothes are a little bit further down the quality spectrum," she told me, flipping rapidly through the racks. "But designer labels might draw your mother's attention. Plus we're going for older and just the teeniest bit frumpy, remember?"

"Actually, I'm supposed to have been doing relief work for the past few years," I mused. "Shouldn't I be wearing worn out jeans and stuff?"

"I thought of that," she replied indignantly. "The story is, you dumped or gave away your worn out stuff before leaving Djibouti, so you could travel with just carry-on luggage. Then you bought new clothes when you arrived in Washington. That's why I'm using a chain store," she concluded, handing me a pile of blouses to try on. "You could buy any of these things in a mall in Seattle."

"Alice, how could I have doubted you for a second?" She was meticulous when it came to maintaining the outward trappings of our cover stories.

She grinned and pushed me toward the fitting rooms.

Fortunately it was spring, and possible to buy clothing appropriate for the Arizona climate. Alice found me several pairs of lightweight pants, a dozen or so tops, a dress just in case a slightly formal occasion came up, shoes and sandals. She also chose a new suitcase, my old one supposedly left behind in Africa, and an oversized handbag for carrying emergency cover-up clothing, as discussed. "I should buy pyjamas," I told her.

She wrinkled her nose. "Since when do you wear pyjamas?"

"I used to wear them to sleep in. It's possible I'll be spending the night at Mom's sometimes. I should have something a person would wear to bed."

"True, but pyjamas would make you look so youthful. What about a cotton nightgown?"

"If you think that would be better." I hated nightgowns, but this was a disguise. She found me a couple of sleeveless nightgowns in rather staid designs.

"Edward will love those," she snickered. "Actually, he _would_ love them, if you were wearing them." I made a face at her, but I knew it was true. On a whim, I ran to the menswear department and picked up a pair of pyjamas for Edward as well. An entirely new experience.

"Anything else?" I asked, looking through our selections.

"One more thing." She led me to an area that offered clothing suitable for office work, suits and the like. "We need to get you a black suit."

I laughed. "A suit? What am I going to do with a black suit in the middle of Arizona?"

She hesitated. "I thought you should have something to wear to...well, when it's over. I mean, the whole reason for this trip..."

"Oh!" Something to wear to a funeral. "Yes, of course. That was stupid of me. I guess I almost forgot why I'm going there in the first place." I stood still, momentarily frozen with stress. I was picking out something to wear to my mother's_ funeral_.

Alice put an arm around my waist, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I'm sorry, Bella."

I hugged her quickly. "Which one?" I looked around at the suits. She zeroed in on one, a lightweight black skirt and jacket. "This will fit. You don't have to try it on." She pulled a blouse off the rack to go with it, and found a pair of low-heeled black pumps. She added a wide-brimmed hat and oversized sunglasses. "That should do it."

"Okay." I added it all to the pile.

"I think we're done." We headed for the nearest checkout.

A quick online review of events in Africa and the recent activities of our theoretical relief association was conducted at home, followed by one more hasty briefing with the family just before we left for the airport. Nessie and Jacob flew with us to Seattle, we drove to Forks for a quick reunion with Charlie and others, and boarded our flight for Phoenix the next morning.

The sun had just set as we left Sky Harbor, Edward and I in a rented Volvo with all-important tinted windows, and Jacob and Nessie in an economy car which fit their cover story. We found a hotel in a central location with underground parking. Edward and I took a room on the third floor, while Nessie and Jacob occupied two rooms on the eighth floor - close to each other, but not actually adjoining. Were the separate rooms only for our benefit? I had no idea what to conclude about their actual sleeping arrangements at this point. Edward may have known, unavoidably, but he said nothing about it to me, and I was happier remaining ignorant.

After checking in and stowing our luggage, the four of us gathered in Edward's and my room. We agreed that Nessie and Jacob should put off their meeting for another day, rather than all descend on my mother at once. Edward and I would meet her and gauge her condition first, then at some point Jake and Nessie could go to see her as well.

Finally, fighting down feelings of stage fright, I called my mother's number. Phil answered. "Phil, hi. It's Bella."

"Bella! We got your letter. Where are you calling from?"

"From right here. Phoenix."

"You're already here? I thought..."

"I know, I should've given you some advance notice."

"No, I'm just surprised. Wait, let me get your mom."

There was a long delay while Phil apparently carried the phone to Renee, then a whispered discussion I supposedly wouldn't be able to hear. Then I heard my mother's voice through the earpiece. "Bella? You're here?"

"Hi, Mom." Her voice took me by surprise. It was so subdued. Normally, Renee would have reacted to my arrival with squeals and exclamations. There was a trace of her old exuberance, but it was hidden under layers of weakness and fatigue. "We just got in."

"Edward came with you? Well, of course he did. I got your letter, but I didn't know how long it would take for you to actually arrive."

"Neither did we; that's why I didn't give a date. Sorry I couldn't be more specific."

"Well, that doesn't matter. Can you come over now?"

"If it isn't a bad time."

"Of course not. You remember the directions? Where are you, anyway?"

"We're at the hotel." I named the place. "Yes, I remember. We'll be there soon."

I hung up and looked at the others. "Well, here goes."


	3. Arrangements

Edward drove while I watched the familiar streets of Phoenix through the passenger window. He effortlessly followed the route to the neighbourhood where Renee and Phil had moved years ago, after returning from Florida. He slowed the car when I pointed out the elementary school I had attended, staring in fascination at the mundane brick building.

We pulled in behind Phil's Volkswagen, gathered our gifts and souvenirs, and headed for the front door. Phil answered a moment later, giving me a hug and gripping Edward's hand. "So glad you're here," he told us, leading us inside. "Renee's been looking forward to seeing you guys." He took us into the living room.

My mother was on the sofa, an array of pill bottles and medical paraphernalia on the table beside her. I'd prepared myself for changes, but was still a little shocked at the sight of her. She was older, to begin with. Mom had always looked young for her age, but now she was almost fifty and it was catching up with her. Beyond that, she was thinner, pale, and gave the impression she was about to slump over and fall to her side out of sheer inertia. She seemed to have the same chin-length brown hair she'd had before I moved to Forks, but I recognized it was a wig, worn to conceal the fact that she was completely bald.

Her eyes lit up as I came in. "Bella!" Suddenly she looked a lot more like the Renee I remembered.

"Hi, Mom." I went to her and hugged her carefully, even more carefully than usual. She looked so frail.

"Oh, it's been such a long time! I can't believe you're here!" She beamed at me, then turned to Edward. "Edward, so good to see you again." Edward bent to hug her as well.

She smiled and patted the sofa beside her, and I sat down, and Edward took the place beside me. Phil offered us refreshments, which we declined, then perched on a chair nearby, his eyes almost always on Mom.

"Do you know, it's been years since we were actually together in person? You look so much more mature." She studied me a moment. "But at the same time, you look just the same as last time I saw you." Even terminally ill, Renee was as perceptive as ever.

"I know, Mom. It's hard to believe it's been so long."

"Are you okay? How was the trip back from Africa?"

We went through our carefully prepared accounts of the journey home, our visit with Charlie, and our flight from Seattle. This was followed up with offerings of gifts from Djibouti, which fascinated my mom. She tried on the handmade jewelry we'd chosen for her, admired the small carvings we'd brought as a gift for both of them. Over an hour passed this way, before I finally brought up the subject of Renee's condition.

"Oh, such a mess!" She waved her hand in the same gesture she used when complaining about local politics. "It's been one thing after another. Tests, chemo, radiation. Then more tests. And always bad news! And now they want me in the hospital." She seemed to regard the thing as one more annoying muddle she'd somehow stumbled into and couldn't seem to get straightened out. She'd always been a little bewildered by life's complications, and this was no exception. The one difference was that this muddle wasn't going to work itself out.

I caught Phil's eye. "Her oncologist has been suggesting the hospital for a while now. It's getting to be a little bit of an issue, taking care of things here at home. We've got a nurse for while I'm at work, but..." He shrugged. I could fill in the blanks to some extent. Phil was taking care of her as well as possible, but he had to sleep sometime, and probably the care was getting more complicated as time went on.

"I've been putting that off, of course," Mom added. "I _really_ don't like hospitals. I'm trying to stay home as long as possible, although I suppose the doctor has a point." She paused, getting slightly breathless as she seemed to after any statement of more than a few words.

Although it wasn't late, she seemed to become intensely tired soon after that. Phil reminded her to take her evening medication, and she swallowed an array of pills before apologetically saying goodnight. "We'll talk more tomorrow," she promised, her voice slurring with fatigue.

"Back in a few minutes," Phil told us, and helped her to her bedroom. I could her the sounds of Renee being put to bed, the murmur of voices as Phil took care of various routines to ensure her comfort for the night.

I felt Edward take my hand, and I turned to him. "She seems so weak," I said. "I mean, I knew she would be, but..."

"I know. It must be a shock."

"That, and how much older she looks. So does Phil, for that matter. It's easy to forget that time's been passing differently for them." I looked at my century-old husband, still beautiful and seventeen in spite of his carefully controlled hair.

Phil returned a short time later, sitting down with a weary smile. "She'll sleep a few hours."

"You must not be getting much sleep yourself," I observed.

"Oh, enough. I have to get up a few times during the night."

I glanced at Edward. "Phil, I hope you'll let me help out now that we're here. You said a nurse comes in during the day?"

He nodded. "From nine to five. She leaves when I get home from work."

"Okay. If you can show me what to do, I can take the night shift so you can get some rest."

"Bella, that's a lot to ask."

"It's part of why I came, Phil. You take care of the afternoons, let Edward and me take the nights. We can go back to the hotel and sleep in the morning." Before dawn, if we can arrange it.

"Well...I have to say, that would be a big help. For Renee as well as me. It would let her stay at home a little longer."

"Consider it done, then."

He spent some time going over what needed to be done for my mom at night. I became aware of how much of a burden all this had been for Phil - not that he gave any indication he regarded it as a burden. We talked a little longer, getting some of the details of Renee's illness which she hadn't gone into. Finally we went on to other subjects, Phil relaxing and even laughing a little as we talked about his old baseball team and joked randomly.

We stayed the night, ostensibly to watch Phil and become more familiar with Renee's care routine. When Mom woke up for the fifth time, close to dawn, we said our goodbyes. "We're both a little jet lagged, so I think we'll sleep most of today and come back in the evening, if that's okay."

"Of course! Get lots of rest," Mom told us. "Phil said you're probably going to stay the night."

"That's the plan."

"Slumber party," she murmured, smiling as she drifted back to sleep. Phil tucked her in like a child and saw us to the door.

"See you guys tonight," he said. "And thanks for the offer."

We drove back to the hotel, reaching it before the sun began to appear. Day One had gone as planned, our presence and nocturnal schedule established. We went back to our room where we stood in each other's arms, talking things over. At 8:00 Nessie and Jacob stopped at the room on their way to breakfast, and we filled them in. "Wait a day or two before going to visit," I suggested.

Over the next few weeks, we fell into a routine. Arrive at the house just after sunset, visit awhile with Phil and Renee, then help get Renee to bed. Phil would go to sleep while we would stay on duty, giving Renee her pain medication, helping her to the bathroom, assisting her with even simple things like position changes. She sometimes needed to be propped up in bed so she could breathe properly. She would wake up or need help multiple times every night, and I felt for Phil. He must have been getting exhausted, and delaying hospitalization mostly because Renee didn't want it. While my mother slept, Edward and I would talk, or read, or just sit and hold each other. When Renee woke up close to dawn, as she always did, Phil would take over and we'd leave for the day. We'd manage to get back to the hotel by sunrise every morning, although it was occasionally a close call. We'd sometimes pull into the hotel parking garage just ahead of the first beams of sunlight in the east. Sunrise came early in Arizona at this time of year.

Jacob and Renee went to visit for the first time a week after our arrival, wanting to avoid the impression of arriving en masse. Jake phoned ahead, reminded Phil who he was, explained he'd heard Bella's mother was sick and wondered if he and his fiancee could stop by to say hello while they were in Arizona on vacation. It was a perfectly plausible story, and of course he got the green light. I was there when they arrived. Jacob chatted pleasantly with Renee about Forks and passed along news about Charlie and Sue, Nessie listening quietly, her eyes often resting on Renee. She gradually joined in the conversation, and typically, she had completely won over Renee within minutes. By the end of the visit, they were talking like longtime friends, and Renee was inviting her back for a second visit, Jacob included as an afterthought. So Nessie was able to spend some time getting closer to her grandmother, even if she could not reveal to Renee that she really was a grandmother.

In spite of our help, Renee eventually had to be transferred to the hospital. She needed IV fluids, stronger drugs than we could provide at home, and around the clock nursing care. I unobtrusively made sure her health insurance was in order, prepared to supplement if necessary. The day of the move was difficult. She was taken to the hospital in the middle of the day, meaning I had to come up with some excuse for why I was unable to join her there for several hours.

Once Renee was admitted to the hospital, though, things became simpler for us, if not for her. The hospital had underground parking, which allowed us to visit during the day through the simple expedient of parking before sunrise, making ourselves comfortable in the rafters or the elevator shaft with a couple of good books, and strolling in when visiting hours began.

The days began to run together. Renee became more fatigued, required more pain medication, was able to talk and enjoy our company less and less. I stayed with her, and Edward stayed with me as much as would seem reasonable. Occasionally she would have good days, and we would talk about what she called old times.

"Remember the year you took ballet?"

I grinned at her. "_Tried_ to take ballet. Confess: they offered you double your money back to take me out of the class."

She laughed weakly. "Coordination was never your strong point. That seems to have changed now, though." Perceptive as always.

"I guess I finally grew into my feet."

A card arrived, a huge, homemade one signed by all the members of Renee's grade school class. She grinned happily at the crude, printed signatures. "'We miss you Ms. Dwyer! We love you!'" she read. "I guess this is supposed to be a picture of me." An asymmetrical figure with brown hair and a huge smile was drawn in the centre of the card, surrounded by the children's names.

"Spitting image," I agreed.

"I always did love teaching. Strange, isn't it?"

"Strange?"

"Being responsible for all those little people. Doesn't sound like me, does it?"

Before I could answer, her eyes suddenly began to droop. I was getting used to these sudden bursts of fatigue. and sat quietly while she dropped off to sleep.

Phil would arrive every day after work. Edward and I would always leave the room at that point, ostensibly to get some dinner in the hospital cafeteria, in reality just to allow the two of them some alone time. They got little enough privacy in this institutional setting, in spite of Edward and I having insisted on upgrading Renee's hospital room to a private.

Nessie came back to visit several times; she and Renee had completely bonded. If it seemed strange to Renee that a twenty year old college student she'd met twice had suddenly become her close friend, hanging out with her in the oncology ward where she lay dying, she gave no indication of it. Nessie broke past everyone's defences; people couldn't help but like her. She was one person who was guaranteed to make Renee laugh, on all but the worst days.

"That girl Vanessa is sweet," Renee remarked one day while I helped her eat breakfast. Edward was out of the room for one of the occasional fake trips to the bathroom.

"Yes, she is." I wished I could tell her just how sweet. I wished I could tell my mother that I was a mother myself.

"Jacob calls her Nessie," she chuckled. "Like the Loch Ness Monster."

"I know." I smiled. "Quite a nickname."

"Oh, yes. They're a cute couple. When are they getting married, do you know?"

I pretended detachment. "I'm not sure. I think they said next spring, after final exams."

"A long engagement. Although nowadays, they're probably already living together. Not such a hardship."

I clenched my teeth. "I guess."

"Maybe they're planning a really elaborate wedding, one that takes a whole year to prepare."

"Maybe so." If Alice had anything to say about it. She was ready to make up for my relatively simple nuptials by planning Nessie's wedding on a grander scale.

"I had very small weddings," she said dreamily. "I married your dad by signing a few papers, and Phil at that little wedding chapel - _you_ know. Only six people present."

"Are you sorry?"

"Sorry? No, that was what I wanted, both times. But your wedding was so beautiful, it made me think the old-fashioned kind wasn't so bad after all."

"It made me very happy. And Edward too."

She smiled at me, just a little wearily. "You two have been through a lot." In Africa, I assumed she meant. "Do you still love him the way you did?"

That was one subject I didn't have to fib about for the sake of the cover story. "Yeah, Mom. Exactly the same way. Marrying Edward was one thing I never had a moment's regret over." I caught a vague hint of honey-lilac-and-almost-sunshine from the corridor, and realized Edward was probably close enough to hear. Well, good.

"I thought so. You're still the same together as on your wedding day. How many couples can say that?" A few that I knew of.

"You and Phil are the same. He still adores you."

She smiled, looking like her old self again for a moment. "He's been wonderful through all this."

Edward came back into the room, and the conversation moved on for a while, coming to an end when Renee suddenly dropped off to sleep.

* * *

><p>Things began to decline after that day. Renee, who had been having more and more trouble eating, was put on a continuous IV. She got out of bed only to use the bathroom. She slept more, and had the strength for only short conversations.<p>

Edward and I returned to the hotel one night after a particularly bad day. I could almost see my mother slipping away before my eyes. The effort of keeping things calm and cheerful, of not letting my alarm communicate itself to her, of keeping up the cover story, was beginning to wear on me. In our hotel room, Edward put his arms around me, trying to comfort me, and I clung to him gratefully. He began to kiss me gently, then deepened the kiss, holding me against his body in that familiar, wonderfully urgent way before pulling away as though recollecting himself.

"I'm sorry." He smiled at me a little apologetically. "I'm sure that's the last thing on your mind right now."

I shook my head and pulled him closer. "Don't stop. It's what I need. Distract me." He looked at me questioningly, making sure I was serious. "Please, Edward. I just want to...to think about something else right now."

He understood perfectly, and I knew that asking him for help would be an irresistible siren call to him. He pulled me close again and pressed his lips against mine, dedicating himself for the next few hours to my distraction. The rest of the night was an oasis, an interval of happiness and peace that left me better prepared to face the morning.

* * *

><p>"Does your mother want pastoral care?" a nurse asked me one day, as I passed her desk on the way to Renee's room.<p>

"Does she want what?"

"A minister, priest, rabbi - anything like that? I don't like to ask the patients directly, because some of them take that as meaning..."

I nodded, understanding. It implied their time was up. "I don't think she still has any attachment to a denomination, but I'll talk to her about it." I thought of something. "Um...are you saying it's nearly time?"

"Well," she hesitated, seeming to gauge my tolerance for straight talk, "it's not far off."

I nodded again, a little numb, and went on to Renee's room.

Mom, typically, named the spiritual community she'd most recently taken an interest in. It was a different one every year, if not every month, since I'd known her. For a while after her diagnosis, she'd visited a little community called the Temple of the Higher Self, which seemed to be a conglomerate of every New Age and popular spiritual idea to have come down the pipes in the last five years. Renee found it inspiring, however. "They have a wonderful outlook on things; and the people are so nice!"

Phil and I looked at each other, and he shrugged. "Do you want me to call them? Maybe have the, uh, minister come for a visit?"

"Oh, that would be nice! She's not called a minister, though. Her title is preceptor, I think, but everybody just calls her Miriam."

"I'll look them up, if you want," I offered, "and see if I can have her come for a visit." Phil looked relieved.

I was a little uneasy that Renee would have her death overseen by some fly-by-night storefront church she'd only been associated with for a very short time. Then I decided it was appropriate. Renee's life had been a series of flits from one idea or activity to another, never sticking with any single one for very long. Why shouldn't her death reflect that as well? Let the Temple of the Higher Self conduct the funeral. Maybe in tandem with the last four or five religions Renee had toyed with. It would be appropriate.

I shared those thoughts with the family later that night, when Edward and I spoke on the phone to all of them at once. We talked to them, individually or as a group, several times a week.

Emmett chuckled at my idea. "A funeral honouring a lifetime of flightiness," he summed up.

"I guess you could put it that way. Or you could call it open-mindedness taken to its logical extreme. She's always been very susceptible to change."

"One of the essential qualities of the human being," Carlisle mused.

* * *

><p>Charlie and Sue made the trip to Arizona once Renee was in the hospital. It was a difficult thing for Charlie, uncomfortable as he was with emotional scenes or any situation calling for them. They talked about trivialities for a while, then discussed Renee's condition cautiously. Sue's presence helped. She was caring without being maudlin, and she set the tone for much of the visit. Renee described it all to me later. They found it easier once they started talking about me, and sharing stories of my infancy and childhood. I was the one thing they always had in common, always agreed on. Eventually, while Sue was out of the room getting coffee, Charlie and Renee managed to say their goodbyes in a way satisfying to them both. They stayed overnight, and Charlie made one final visit the next morning, before saying a permanent goodbye and returning to Forks.<p>

* * *

><p>We returned to the hotel one night to find a note slipped under our door. I was astonished to recognize Alice's handwriting, and even more surprised to read the message: '<em>We're here. Room 408. Come see us when you get in.<em>'

"They're here?" I looked at Edward. "Did you have any idea they were coming to Phoenix?"

"None."

"But why would they...?"

"I suggest we go to Room 408 and find out."

The door opened before either of us could knock, and Alice pulled us into the room, closing the door after us.

I was suddenly immensely glad to see her, and pulled her into an enthusiastic hug. "Alice! It's so good to see you."

"You too." She hugged me back, then threw her arms around Edward, grinning. "Good to see both of you. Bet you were surprised to find that note."

I even hugged the undemonstrative Jasper without thinking, and he returned the embrace with a smile. "Surprised doesn't describe it. What made you decide to come to Arizona?"

She sighed. "You sounded a little down, the last few times you phoned home. I thought it couldn't hurt to have more family with you right now and, well, we also thought Jasper might be useful in the days ahead."

"Oh!" I glanced at Jasper. "Well...you may be right about that. Although I only see Renee in the hospital." Jasper studiously avoided hospitals. The combination of large concentrations of humans, fresh blood, and negative emotion was too much for him.

"There are ways around that," he assured me. "I might be able to help your mother and stepfather as well."

"Thank you." I felt better already, just having them both here.

We talked well into the night, until I noticed Alice giving us odd looks. "What's wrong?"

"When was the last time the two of you hunted?"

I looked at Edward. "A little over three weeks."

Jasper shook his head. "Too long. Especially being in close quarters with people, and around fresh blood. You should go out tonight."

"I suppose so." I noticed Edward's eyes. I wore coloured contacts, but Renee was bound to notice, eventually, that Edward's eyes had darkened.

"We'll go with you, if you want," Alice offered, and Jasper nodded. "What's available around here?"

Edward smiled grimly. "One reason we don't hunt that often. Coyotes are the main prey in the immediate area."

"Ew." Alice wrinkled her nose.

"I know, but there were some rabid individuals reported, and we got rid of them. There are deer, elk, some bobcat and mountain lions, if you travel to the larger state parks," Edward said. "Even black bear in some areas."

"Maybe this would be a good night for a long run," Jasper suggested.

We consulted a tourist map for directions to some of the larger natural areas, determined a route, and quietly set out in our rental car. We left the car in a public lot on the outskirts of town and began to run. I was glad they'd suggested hunting tonight; it was a relief to let my instincts lead me, after all the days of continually repressing them. I took down an elk, relishing the relief it gave to my thirst, then stood back to watch Edward stalk a deer. Jasper and Alice took their turns after us, and I found myself ready for additional prey. Jasper was right: it had been too long.

We got back to the car after sunrise, but early enough to find the city still largely deserted. Grateful for the rental car's tinted windows, we parked in the hotel's underground lot and entered the hotel lobby from there, earning barely a glance from the front desk staff. Nessie and Jacob were certainly still asleep at this point. We went back to Alice and Jasper's room to talk.

"What's the situation now, exactly?" Alice asked me.

"It's...winding down," I said. "She was still managing okay when she was admitted to the hospital, but now she's in bed almost continually. She's on IV because she can hardly eat or drink, and they've had to increase the pain meds. She's refused what they call extraordinary measures. They've waived regular visiting hours for Phil and me. And you heard that the nurse suggested getting her last rites soon, if she wanted them."

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Alice put an arm around my waist.

"It's okay. It's why I'm here."

She sighed. "Where are Nessie and Jacob?"

"They have rooms on another floor. They should be awake before too long; we should let them know you're here."

"I'd love to see them again." Alice grinned. "_Two_ rooms?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "And if anybody knows differently, I don't want to hear about it." I heard Edward sigh. "Nessie wants to make one last visit. They can't maintain the story that they're here on vacation for much longer."

"She and Renee really hit it off, I gather."

"Yes. But who doesn't like Nessie?'

"True."

"She has a wonderful climate," Jasper remarked thoughtfully. "Emotional climate, that is. Even humans pick up on it."

I smiled at him. "She's going to pretend to make a goodbye visit, then stay around so she and Jake can attend the..." I hesitated at the word _funeral_.

Alice hugged me harder.

* * *

><p>I arrived at the hospital a little later than usual, after spending some time visiting with Nessie and Jacob and our new support team.<p>

I found out what Jasper had in mind when he said there were ways to help without going into the hospital. He and Alice accompanied us to the hospital, got out of the car in the underground parking area, then climbed the structure's gridwork, unseen, to emerge in a sort of inner courtyard of the hospital which was not visible from the street. There, the building's heating and cooling and other institutional maintenance equipment were housed. From there, they could get close enough to the window of Renee's room to hear us, and for Jasper to pick up on our moods and modify them if necessary. If was a hell of a plan, probably devised before leaving home by researching the hospital's structural outlines. I was incredibly grateful that they would spend their day hidden on top of an air conditioning unit, just to make sure we were all at ease. This was above and beyond, even by Cullen standards.

Renee was a little more alert than usual. After the usual greetings and banter, she pushed herself up into a slightly more upright position in bed. I hurried to help, putting an extra pillow behind her back. "Bella, I think we should talk about funeral arrangements."

I froze a moment. "What about them?"

"I was talking to Miriam the other day. She thinks it can be very therapeutic to make your own plans ahead of time. It helps facilitate acceptance, helps you be more at peace with the situation."

"Okay."

"Miriam offered to go over it with me, if I wanted. I said I'd like to have my family make plans with me, but if you and Phil aren't comfortable with it..."

"No, it's okay. Of course we can do that if you want. Should we wait for Phil?"

"Yes, but he might not be comfortable doing this. If he's not, can you try and make the arrangements for me?"

"Of course."

She took a deep breath. This much conversation took a lot out of her. It must be important to her. I braced myself to be as supportive as possible.

"I'd like Miriam to do the service. I know you're not that familiar with her temple, but I've felt very comfortable there, and I know her pretty well. She'll do a good job." She paused to take another deep breath or two.

"Sure, Mom."

"My insurance should pay for a plot and a headstone. I'm okay with cremation if it's less expensive. That's up to Phil, I suppose."

I swallowed. "Anything in particular you'd prefer?"

"Oh...a simple casket, if you use one. Have the headstone mention that I'm a wife and a mother. Those were the things that made me happiest."

"Sure."

"Especially being your mother. You were unexpected, you know," she smiled a little sheepishly, "but I never regretted it for a moment. It's been such a joy, Bella, being your mom."

I longed to tell her I knew, that I was a mother too, and knew what a joy it was. I clamped my teeth firmly together.

Phil came into the room, and one look at his face told me he'd been listening. He kissed Renee gently and sat down by the bed.

"We were talking about..." I began.

"I heard." He looked at Renee. "What about music?"

"Oh!" She actually showed some animation. "I never thought of that. You two know my favourites. Classical, I suppose; pretty music, and not too gloomy, please."

I named a few possibilities, and she approved. Phil became calm as we discussed the details, even suggesting some of Renee's favourite flowers for the casket. I wondered if his calm was Jasper's work. Phil had avoided talking about final arrangements until now.

"Good, then." Renee seemed satisfied that everything was in order, and began to drift into sleep again, as she did more and more often now.

Phil tucked the blankets tenderly around her shoulders, felt her face to make sure she wasn't cold, and leaned back in his chair. He scanned the cards on her bedside table. "Another card from one of the teachers she worked with," he pointed out.

"Yes."

"And one from your in-laws, I see."

I hadn't noticed that. I picked up the card, containing a very sweet note in Esme's handwriting, signed Carlisle and Esme Cullen.

"That was nice of them," Phil observed.

"They always liked Mom. Especially Esme. She loved working on my wedding together."

"Yeah." Phil seemed to be thinking something over. "Are you okay with the...plans?"

"The funeral plans?" He nodded, looking at the floor. "I am if you are."

"I'd rather not have it in that Temple place. We can get the minister, or whatever she is, Miriam, to do the honours, but I'd rather have it in a funeral home. I was never involved in the Higher Self thing like Renee was."

"I'm sure that's fine. Do you want me to find a funeral home and make the arrangements?"

"If you wouldn't mind."

"I think I can burn a CD with Mom's favourite music, to play during, if you want."

"That would be great." He was still looking at the floor.

"I'm so sorry, Phil. This part is hard."

"I doubt it'll get any easier for a while."

* * *

><p>Doing as much as possible by telephone, I found a funeral home not far from the hospital - one with underground parking - contacted Preceptor Miriam and made an evening appointment to talk with her about presiding over my mother's funeral, purchased a gravesite and ordered an appropriate headstone. I got Phil's approval for everything, but he seemed mostly relieved not to be burdened with these decisions, and I felt better knowing I could ease some of his responsibility at this point. The ability of my vampire brain to focus on the task at hand and move other matters to the back of my mind was particularly useful at this point. Edward took on the task of recording Renee's music, preparing a CD I could present to the funeral directors at the appropriate time.<p>

Miriam turned out to be less of a flake than I'd expected, and she seemed to know Renee surprisingly well. She was clearly the right person for the job. I told her I'd let her know when the time came, and she promised to have something ready - something suitable for a very mixed crowd, spiritually, at my request - for whenever she was needed.

All taken care of.

* * *

><p>Things started to move quickly once again. Renee had more trouble breathing, and had to be put on oxygen. This limited conversation, or at least made it very one-sided. Phil took some time off work so he could stay with her for most of the day. She slept more and more, and Phil contented himself with sitting at her bedside, holding her hand as she slept. Sometimes he seemed to be ready to cry, or hit something, but then he would suddenly sigh and become calm again. I suspected Jasper was helping, and I was grateful. It was possible he was helping me, too.<p>

I went back to the hotel one evening, ostensibly to sleep, and a few hours later received a call from the hospital. They thought I should come back. In spite of their careful euphemisms, it was clear what was going on. I hung up, turned to Edward and held onto him tightly. He held me as well, stroking my hair soothingly until I could calm down.

We drove to the hospital along with Alice and Jasper, Edward driving quietly through the dark, deserted 2:00 AM streets. We stopped in the parking garage and Alice and Jasper prepared to take up their usual position. "Jasper," I said, and he stopped and turned to me. "Please, if I need your help..."

He nodded. "I'll be there."

"No, what I meant to say was, if it seems like I might do something...conspicuous, anything like that, of course do what you have to do. But otherwise, I'd rather you held back." He raised his eyebrows questioningly. "My mother's dying. I'm going to feel awful, but I _should_ feel awful. I should be able to grieve. I don't want to have everything numbed unless it's necessary. You understand?"

He looked at me solemnly. "Of course. I'll let you be if I can. The same for Phil."

"Thank you." He took Alice's hand and they disappeared.

Edward and I took the familiar route to Renee's room, walking quietly through the dim, nearly deserted corridors of the hospital. The nurse at the desk recognized us, and silently waved us in.

Phil was in his usual position beside Renee's bed, holding her hand. She was asleep, or unconscious. Phil looked up as we entered. "She's been like this for a couple of hours," he said. "The nurse told me she might not wake up again."

A nurse walked in, took Renee's vitals, and prepared to leave again. "Is she in any pain?" I asked her.

"No. She's well medicated, and there's no sign of pain." She pulled up two more chairs beside the bed and offered them to us. "Not too much longer now, I think."

We sat quietly, Phil holding my mother's left hand, gently smoothing her wedding band over and over, and I holding her right hand. After about twenty minutes, she opened her eyes. She seemed not to see at first; then she looked in my direction and smiled a little. Phil said her name, and she looked at him; her smile grew just a little bit. Then her eyes closed again.

Her breathing, in spite of the oxygen, became more laboured. After a little over an hour, her breaths became sporadic and shallow. When we heard a harsh, rattling sound with each breath, I felt Edward's hand on my back. He recognized the symptoms. She took one final breath, let it out, and didn't draw another one.

Phil leaned down to kiss her hand then sat, his head bent, as the nurses did what they had to do. Edward and I moved out of their way and stood a few feet from the bed, watching. A doctor came in, checked her, and made her death official. "We'll give you some time," one of the nurses said vaguely, and everyone left the room.

I went to Renee and kissed her cheek. Soon she'd be as cold as I was. I wondered what Jasper made of my emotions; once again, I wasn't entirely sure what I felt. There was too much going through my mind, all at once. I leaned my head against Edward's shoulder, and he held me quietly until a nurse returned.

"I'm sorry," she said in a low voice, "but could you tell me where we're to release the body?" I gave her the name of the funeral home, and she nodded and left the room.

We were offered a private room, known as a 'family room,' where we could have some privacy. Phil didn't seem ready to move from the bedside yet, so Edward and I accepted the offer. It was something of a relief to leave for a little while. I used the adjoining bathroom to change my quickly disintegrating contact lenses, and we returned just as a nurse was trying to get Phil to go home and get some rest. They were waiting to bring her to the morgue, I assumed. Phil finally agreed, and we walked together toward the parking.

"Are you all right to drive?" a nurse asked him.

"I'll drive," Edward said. "We can pick up our car later, or arrange for someone to get it." We passed by our car on the way to Phil's and Edward placed his keys on the roof. He whispered that Jasper and Alice would be driving it back to the hotel.

We stayed with Phil through the following day, helping him make the necessary phone calls to friends and relatives. He finally agreed to go to bed and try to get a few hours' sleep, with the agreement that we would sack out in the second bedroom. We stayed there, whispering to each other, until we heard Phil get up again.

People started arriving about noon. Phil's sister fell naturally into the role of overseer, taking charge of everything that needed taking charge of. She arrived with a covered casserole and a pot of soup, the traditional response to a bereavement. Others came with cakes and covered dishes, platters of brownies, baskets of cheese and crackers, and one bottle of Irish whiskey. The little house had enough food in it to last a week. Their friends and relatives, Renee's fellow teachers, neighbours, and members of the Temple of the Higher Self filled the house, both supported Phil and offering him some distraction. Phil seemed to be coping reasonably well, I thought, but Edward whispered to me that Jasper was not far away.

We stayed another night, helped Phil finalize the arrangements with the funeral home, order flowers, and go over Miriam's proposed eulogy, which was surprisingly tasteful and appropriate. Then, deciding that Phil had enough support, and seeing that his sister was preparing to move in for a time, we suggested going back to the hotel for the third night. My part in this was drawing to an end; I would not be needed here much longer.


	4. Goodbye

Back at the hotel, the six of us gathered in Edward's and my room for a while. I thanked Jasper for his help, at the hospital and at Phil's house. He nodded gravely.

"Things seem to be under control there for now," I said. "He has a lot of friends and family with him." I smiled a little. "And so do I."

Edward phoned home, and I accepted the family's condolences. Esme asked where they could send flowers, and I gave them the name of the funeral home. We talked for a short while, and promised to call again after the funeral.

I sat without speaking for so long, Edward asked me what I was thinking.

"What a beautiful tragedy being human is."

"Really?"

"They're so much at the mercy of passing time. I almost forgot what that feels like."

The others were quiet a moment before resuming their talk, leaving me a little privacy to pursue my own thoughts. I rested in Edward's arms, and at last he looked down at my face, touching my temple to beg admission. I hid my face against his shoulder and raised my shield, letting him hear the chaos of my thoughts.

Everything whirled through my mind at once. I thought about Renee, and my dim human memories of her from childhood on. I thought about the strange fact that she was gone. I thought about Phil and the terrible loss he was going through.

I thought about the fragility of human beings. So many of them died before they left infancy, never really knowing life. Of those who reached adulthood, happiness was often elusive and fragile. When they did find security, love and fulfillment, their natural tendency to change made it fleeting in many cases. Humans became bored with things that had delighted them. People who loved each other grew apart. And when, as sometimes happened, love lasted an entire lifetime, it ended with one of the pair dying and leaving the other behind. Like Renee and Phil. Human nature made lives like theirs all the more precious, for being uncommon.

I thought about how much the passing of time and the fleeting nature of human life defined everything about them.

I thought of passages from books I'd read:  
>of tragic deathbed scenes and battlefield death scenes and execution scenes; the deaths of Cathy and Heathcliff, the much-maligned death of Little Nell; the death by consumption of young Helen Burns; the deaths of Hector and of Boromir and Charlotte the Spider; the death of Esme's newborn son and of Edward's human parents; my own last, close brush with death, after giving birth to Nessie.<br>I thought of Adromache tragically mourning the death of her infant son;  
>of the old married couple Baucis and Philemon, who were granted by the gods the one thing they most wished: that when one of them would die, the other would die at the same time so they would endure no separation;<br>of 'Margaret, are you grieving?' and 'Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me;' 'Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come' and 'Life is short but art is long' and 'Alas that they are so - to die even as they to perfection grow' and 'after the first death there is no other.'

I thought of the great people who had died young, before they had the chance to do all that they were capable of. I thought of the way Renee had never seemed to age, always a little childlike in her fascination with every new idea and new occupation, and how lovely that quality was, all in all.

I thought of how I had left all this behind, the beauty and the tragedy of it, and let my mother be washed away by it while I stayed safely on dry land. Not that it was really possible for me to offer her anything else, but I still suffered from a little survivor's guilt.

I thought about the funeral I would have to attend tomorrow.

I thought of Phil, and Charlie, and all the other friends who were growing older and would eventually die while I remained forever young.

Eventually, I realized that conversation in the room had stopped, and the others were watching us. Jasper had a look of realization on his face, and Edward, hearing his thoughts, nodded acknowledgement.

"You can hear Bella?" he asked in amazement.

"I can."

Alice stared. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since soon after our meeting with the Volturi in Forks. Bella discovered she could not only expand her shield, she could voluntarily lift it."

"For short periods, and with some difficulty," I added.

"And you never told us?" Alice looked indignant.

"At the time, it seemed best," Edward explained. "I wanted to be sure Aro could never find out."

Jasper, who was used to thinking in terms of defensive strategy, understood perfectly. The others were a little bit indignant at first, until he convinced them it was a good idea.

"All right, I suppose I understand," Alice said at last. "So what's it like, inside Bella's mind?"

Edward smiled at her. "It's wonderful. Rather sad, at the moment."

"Naturally."

I turned to Nessie and Jacob. "Are you coming to the funeral?"

"Absolutely," Nessie said. "We both are."

I phoned Phil the next morning to ask if he needed me to do anything before the service that afternoon, hoping he'd say no and spare me the difficulty of avoiding the sunlight.

"No, I don't think so." He sounded subdued but under control. "You took care of the flowers and everything?"

"Yes. I've got the music CD here too. I'll go a little early and make sure everything's in order, if you like."

"Thanks, Bella."

I'll see you there."

At 2:00 I finally got the black suit Alice had chosen for me out of the closet. She and Jasper went back to their own room, and Nessie and Jacob went downstairs to have lunch before preparing for the funeral. I put on my black suit and Edward his dark summerweight suit, picked up my tote bag carrying the CD and my camouflaging hat and sunglasses, and we headed out. We drove from one underground parking area to another, finding our way into the funeral home without ever going out into the brilliant sunshine.

We were directed to a large room in which Renee's casket was laid out, the lower half covered by a blanket of flowers. I wandered the room, looking at the flowers and cards set out on side tables, and the arrangement of photographs of Renee displayed on a poster board. I thought that was probably Phil's sister's doing. There was Nessie and Jacob's huge arrangement of yellow roses and lilies accompanied by a card 'in fond remembrance of a dear friend.' There was a lovely bouquet of white flowers from Esme and Carlisle, also from 'dear friends.' There were also flowers from Renee's fellow teachers, from Charlie and Sue, and several from Phil's family, friends, and even his old baseball team. Mom was remembered fondly by a lot of people.

I hesitated before approaching the casket. Renee was there, wearing her wig and made up to look ten years younger. I hardly recognized her, and her scent shocked me. With my eyes closed, I'd never have known she was there.

Miriam arrived an hour before the service and we went over last minute details. I gave the funeral director the CD with instructions to play it until the service began. A few minutes later Renee's favourite music began to play throughout the room. Soon after than Phil and his sister arrived, then Jacob and Nessie, and by 3:30 the room started to fill, and I was put in a position of greeting people, introducing my husband, and making sure Phil was dealing with it all. He seemed to be bearing up. I wondered if Jasper had found a way to hide nearby.

Just after 4:00, Miriam took her place at the lectern next to the coffin, the music was turned down, and everyone took a seat.

Nothing that was said in the eulogy was news to me, but I was impressed at how well this woman knew and understood my mother, and how strongly she'd been affected by Renee. Renee had influenced a lot of people, from her colleagues at school to the children she taught, to Charlie and Phil, to, obviously, me. I stopped paying close attention to the speaker, looking instead at Nessie's solemn face, at Charlie, who had travelled back down for the service and was looking strained and uncomfortable, to Phil, who was sitting in the front row beside me, tears rolling down his face. I handed him some tissues from the table beside me, the only useful thing I could think of.

A curtain was pulled to divide the immediate family from the others for what they called the final viewing, and I trooped obediently past the coffin one last time. It didn't mean much to me; I didn't feel like Renee was there any more. Afterwards, I ducked out to the ladies' room as planned in advance, while Edward waited outside for me, and stayed there until everyone had left for the cemetery. Nessie would explain to Phil and the others that I'd suddenly been taken ill. Unfortunately, the sun was still up, and it was far too sunny to risk attending anything outdoors. We slipped away after everyone was gone, and met up at Phil's house just after sunset, where the mourners and friends were still gathered, eating their way through the mountain of donated food and sharing anecdotes about their memories of Renee.

We stayed on one more day. I helped Phil deal with any loose ends relating to the burial and headstone and, while he was sleeping, cleaned and tidied the house until it was immaculate. His sister would be staying with him a while longer, so I didn't feel as bad telling him I'd be leaving the following day. He was well taken care of.

"Thanks for everything, Bella," he said as I prepared to go, the following evening just after sunset. "I never would have got through all this without you."

"Likewise. Thanks for...well, for being so wonderful to Mom while she was sick."

"That was nothing."

I didn't contradict him; I knew just what he meant. He couldn't have done any differently.

"I guess you'll be going back to Africa?"

"It's not decided. Now that we're here, Edward and I are thinking it might be time to move on and find work at home. The work in Djibouti was never meant to be permanent."

"No, I suppose not."

"We'll let you know," I said, leaving things as vague as possible.

"I wanted to give you this before you went," he said, reaching into his shirt pocket. He handed me a small paper envelope. "I never gave you anything of your mom's, and I thought this was appropriate."

I opened the envelope and spilled the contents out into my hand. It was a pendant I remembered her wearing: a drop-shaped pink pearl on a chain. Charlie had given it to her when I was born. Pink for a girl, and pearl for Renee's birthstone. It had clearly taken Charlie more effort and preparation than he naturally gave to gifts, not to mention more money than he probably had to spare at the time. Either a saleslady had helped him, or the experience of becoming a father had given him a burst of concentration. I studied the pendant.

"Your dad gave it to your mom when you were born."

"I remember her telling me that." I put the little pendant back into the envelope and tucked it into my purse. "Thank you, Phil. That's a perfect memento."

We hugged goodbye, and Edward shook his hand, and we left.


	5. Closure

Our flight wasn't until early morning, so we took a last run out into one of the more distant nature preserves, where Edward was fortunate enough to find a mountain lion. I settled for deer, as did Jasper and Alice.

I made one stop on the way back, to see my mother's grave. The cemetery was deserted at that time of night. I'd haggled to get the headstone in place on short notice, and it was set up next to the mound of loose earth. Everything was in order: Beloved Wife and Mother, and the relevant dates. We returned to the hotel by 4:00, the night desk clerk glancing up and recognizing us. We weren't dressed for a nightclub, so I wasn't sure what he'd concluded about our nocturnal excursions.

Nessie came to our room with her packed suitcase soon after that, and Jacob followed a few minutes later. Did they arrive at different times by design, or because they really were occupying separate rooms? I really would have to stop worrying about that. The rest of us were packed in minutes, checked out and headed for the airport before the sun could catch up with us. I stopped the car on the way and dumped the contents of my large suitcase, then the suitcase itself, Alice's thirty-year-old wardrobe, into a street corner charity bin, and Edward followed my example, arriving at the airport with only our carry-on luggage. We dropped off our rental cars and checked in with two hours to spare.

Jacob suggested using some of the time to find breakfast, having left the hotel too early for a meal. He and Nessie wandered off to find a cafe. I went in search of a ladies' room in which to refresh my contact lenses, just in case a security agent was paying attention to details like eye colour. On the way back, I passed a shop that sold souvenir tee shirts and basic clothing, and on a whim I went inside. I bought an inexpensive pair of jeans, a grey cap-sleeved tee shirt with 'Arizona' printed on the front, and a pair of canvas sneakers. I returned to the washroom, changed into the new clothing, and stowed my Alice-purchased items in my carry-on. I took down my hair and pulled it back into a simple ponytail.

Alice looked at me with shock when I returned to the waiting area. "What on earth have you got yourself up as?" she asked indignantly. "You're back to where you were when I first met you!"

"I guess that's the point," I said, sitting beside her. "I wanted to leave Phoenix for the last time looking the same way I did when I left the first time. It was just an impulse," I added, feeling a little embarrassed.

She sighed. "I guess that makes sense. Just don't let it become a habit." She glared silently at my running shoes.

"You do look like you did when you first arrived in Forks," Edward said, his voice a little nostalgic. I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder.

The trip home seemed to take no time at all. I found myself eager to be back home - my real home, the big pale-on-pale house where my real family lived. They met us at the door, and in no time I was sitting with Esme's arm around my shoulders, Edward holding my hand, and everyone offering condolences and trying to soothe me. I was surrounded by love and concern, and it was wonderful. I described the funeral and the aftermath as well as I could. "It was good to see the desert one last time, too. I don't imagine I'll be back."

"What about your stepfather? Phil?" Esme asked. "Will you be staying in touch?"

"No." I was clear about that decision. I'd given it some thought in recent weeks. "I won't be able to see him again anyway. I can barely pass for thirty, much less older. I can't see giving him the runaround for the next ten or more years, the way I was doing with Renee. And besides, I...don't want to have to go through this again if I can help it. It'll happen with Charlie, I know, but..."

"Will you just break contact?" Jasper asked. "Or do you have a story in mind?"

"I think I might send him an email after a few weeks, then another short one a month or two later, then just let it lapse. Better he thinks I'm uncaring and not bothering to stay in touch, than think I've died or disappeared or something."

"That does sound best," Carlisle told me.

"Yes. And Phil has family and friends in the area. It's not like he's counting on me. I did want to make sure he was taken care of, you know, financially."

"That's easily managed," Jasper said, "without his realizing you're behind it. I can help you with it, if you like."

"Thanks." With that, I cut my stepfather out of my life. For his good as well as mine.

Jasper frowned. "Are you still feeling guilty about any of this?"

"No, I don't think so."

He took in my emotions a moment, then let himself smile. "It's not really guilt, I think, much of the time. It's just an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You feel like it's your personal duty to look after everyone, make sure they're happy. It's hard for you to give that up."

"I guess so," I admitted. "But it's necessary in this case."

I could feel the grief over my mother's death, occupying its place in my mind but easily enough set aside to make room for whatever I was thinking at the time. It would stay there forever, never decreasing, never becoming dull or mellowing, the way human grief would. Every time I took those memories out and looked at them, the feelings that accompanied them would be as crystal clear as the memories themselves. That was part of _my_ beauty and tragedy.

After a time, I left the room, took out the remains of my contact lenses, and found my charm bracelet. It now held a series of charms I'd gathered, commemorating the important stages of my life. I brought the bracelet downstairs with me, took Renee's pink pearl out of my purse, and attached it to the bracelet. Edward explained the significance.

"Now I have a charm for both my parents," I told them. "From the time when they were still together and getting along."

"And probably overjoyed at your birth," Esme suggested.

"I hope so."

"I'm glad I got to know her a little better," Nessie said, "even though she had no idea I was her granddaughter."

"I took some of her photos after the funeral," Jacob told her. "I thought you might like to have them. Especially the ones from before she was sick." Nessie looked at him gratefully.

"Are you really doing all right, Bella?" Rosalie asked me, looking at me curiously. My situation was unusual in this family, I realized, and maybe protocol was unclear.

"I'm fine. I mean...it's all still in there, in my mind. You know what I mean." They all seemed to. "I'll go through it when I feel like I can." Another thing humans had little control over. Their grief overwhelmed them, or else it faded and took memories along with it. Not so for me.

"I just hope it's a long time before anything happens to Charlie," I said. "And I'm glad I never have to go through this more than twice."

I touched the little pink pearl on my wrist. There was no real need for a remembrance. My memories would last longer than any material object. I braced myself for the time I'd let them come to the fore and wash over me.


End file.
